Lost and Found
by SueKayBee
Summary: Kadaj's final moments from the movie 'Advent Children'. He thought his failure was the end of everything. Or was it? Movie spoilers, character death.


Summary: Kadaj's final moments from the movie 'Advent Children'. He thought his failure was the end of everything. Or was it?

Final Fantasy and the characters in this story belong to Square Enix.

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It all happened so fast, yet seemed to take forever.

Not that time had really meant anything to Kadaj, in the end. Only one thing held any meaning for him.

He was with Mother again.

And their revenge upon the planet was here.

Even as he clung to the ledge of the tall building by one hand, open air below his feet, the young Remnant had no other concerns. Brother stood on the ledge and towered over him, doubtless preparing to claim his victory after their long battle. Kadaj was unarmed, save for the black box containing the last of Mother's remains. Of course, Brother would feel himself the victor.

Kadaj had only looked up at him, doing his best not to spit at him in contempt.

Brother was such a fool, to think he would actually win.

How Kadaj had hated him at that moment! They were joined through Mother's cells, but Brother had never been as devoted to her as Kadaj had been, or Kadaj's older brothers, Yazoo and Loz. Instead, Brother had denied the Reunion, tried to stop them at every turn.

But Mother had won in the end, as Kadaj had always known she would.

He loved her so much it hurt.

Brother didn't love her, however, and Kadaj grew so enraged at that idea that he could not help expelling the anger with the only weapon at hand: the metal box. He had thrown it with all of his might, every ounce of his hatred behind the effort; Brother had knocked it away, sending the box sailing through the air. The top slid off, the green liquid inside dribbling out as it fell.

At that moment, Kadaj knew what he had to do.

It was so easy, grabbing the ledge with both hands and hurling himself off of it, soaring into the air and over Brother's head, straight towards the falling box. Anticipation powered his every move; with seemingly no effort at all he reached the box, hugged it to him as he began to fall, one hand dipping in to carefully extract the precious matter within.

_Mother..._

He released the metal box, and it flew away, unneeded now. Smirking, he looked over at BRother, unafraid although he was still falling.

"My reunion," he said calmly, a triumphant laugh lurking just beneath his words. "Bet you're dying to watch."

_Brother, you should have joined us when you had the chance._

He turned his eyes back to Mother then, feeling only joy as he beheld the small cluster of cells - the first truly pure joy he had ever known in his life.

Everything had vanished for him at that moment, the rush of air and space as he fell, the choking smoke searing his lungs, the years of pain and longing he and his brothers had suffered to reach this moment. Kadaj had only known a single exhilarating rush of euphoria, tears stinging his eyes.

He had promised Brother that Mother would tell him what she wanted him to do. He hadn't ever known, trusting completely in her to guide him, as a good son should. And she had fulfilled that trust; now, as he fell, he knew exactly what she wanted, the knowledge so brilliantly clear to his mind that it hurt.

He smiled, unashamed of his joyous tears. The pain was nothing to the relief flooding his soul; his every waking moment had been devoted to this instant, and it was finally here! Now Mother would love him as much as he loved her, and the torturous yearning to satisfy her will would end. He would be home, and free, and they would be together, all of them, forever.

_But,_ Kadaj thought, _first things first_ -

In one quick motion, he had pressed Mother's cells into his flesh. They hissed as they seared through his chest, and he clenched his fists at the anguish, unable to quell a strangled cry of pain. Black tendrils seemed to wrap around him; everything tilted and spun, the world falling far away.

Despite the torment, Kadaj felt only happiness, its brilliance flooding his soul as tears of release filled his eyes. He had done it; the Reunion was happening, and Mother loved him now, he could feel it! It was far more glorious than he ever could have hoped, almost too great a joy to bear.

His feet struck the ground, landing on the sloping metal roof of the ruined building. Something was rolling through him, painfully, but he ignored it because everything was as Mother wanted it and that was all that mattered. He looked up; Brother was falling towards him now, sword drawn, his eyes blazing.

Kadaj felt himself smile, although he had not commanded his lips to do so. His arms lifted up, hands outstretched, but he had not ordered that motion, either; someone else was controlling his body, it was _him - _

There was a mighty crash as Brother slammed into his hand; for an instant it felt as if the universe had shattered.

And then, nothing.

Well, not exactly nothing. All was dark now, but Kadaj was aware, in a faraway manner, of what was happening. He was Sephiroth now - or rather, his body was Sephiroth's, while the spirit that was Kadaj could only hang on for the ride. Kadaj hated this fiercely - he could have won against Brother, Mother should have let him finish the fight - but he didn't resist. This was what Mother wanted, and Kadaj was ready to do anything for her. Then she'd see how worthy he was, and love him as much as she loved Sephiroth.

No - _more_ than she loved Sephiroth. He'd do whatever it took to make her love him _more_. As much as Kadaj loved her.

Kadaj's only disappointment was that he had been unable to persuade Brother. Now Brother would have to die, and it was such a waste. If only he hadn't been stupid enough to fight them, to stand against Mother. Mother always won in the end, and now when she gained her triumph, and they were all home with her at last, Brother would not be there. Why didn't he want Mother's love? It didn't make sense, but Kadaj could only shrug. The fool had had his chance; now he would simply perish with the rest of them.

Kadaj waited impatiently for the battle to end, certain that with its conclusion would come the true fulfillment of the Reunion. For so long he had heard Mother's voice in his head, calling him, driving him onward. She was with him now, suffused into his very matter, and he could sense her but he couldn't see her, or hear her anymore. The void was agonizing.

_She's probably talking to Sephiroth_, he thought with bitter jealousy, but of course she'd have to, he was the one fighting Brother so they could win and all be together. When it was over, she would come to him, somehow, even if his body was given to Sephiroth for good. He had to hear her voice again, speak to her, know that she had seen all he had done for her, all he had endured, just to make her happy. Then it would all be over, the pain, the searching, the ceaseless urge to fulfill her wishes that had often driven him mad.

It would be over, and all of them - he, and Yazoo and Loz, and all their brothers and sisters, could be with Mother, and rest.

_pain_

Kadaj jumped a little, gasping to himself in the darkness. What was that? He still floated in the nothingness, but there had been -

_PAIN_

The darkness flashed black-red, and Kadaj felt his entire being draw in tight, stunned, confused. Something had _struck _him, for only a moment it seemed as if he was being torn in half. It wasn't quiet anymore, he felt as if he were spinning, there was -

- oh -

- _oh_ -

- _OH! _-

Blow after was now buffeting his senses, now everything was reeling madly around him, and Kadaj hung on, bewildered. The fight - Sephiroth couldn't be losing, Mother would never have allowed it, and Brother wasn't strong enough to defeat her anyway. Nobody was. Nobody...

There. It was all calming down now, the pain had lessened, the mad whirling was gradually easing. Kadaj tried to relax, perhaps it was finished now, but he felt so..._strange_...

wwwwhooo_ooooomp_

An odd noise and feeling, like a heavy blanket being thrown over him. A violent prickling feeling came over him, as if he were being stabbed with millions of ice-cold, fine needles. Everything suddenly felt very heavy, and he shuddered as he felt himself dissolve back into solidity, the soothing blackness replaced with hard brightness. He blinked; before him lay the smoldering ruins of Midgar, his nostrils filled with the acrid smell of smoke and blood, so thick he could feel it, he was back in his body, _his _body _- _

And he was falling.

There had scarcely been time to think. One moment he had simply hung there, stunned by the sudden return to the world; the next he was tumbling to the ground. What -

With a thud and a cry Kadaj struck the hard, hot metal roof, barely able to think fast enough to brace himself against the fall. Confusion swamped his entire being; what was _happening?_

His mind raced as he struggled to make sense out of all the impressions crashing down on his consciousness at once. He was trembling violently; where had his strength gone? He was scarcely able to stay upright, his limbs felt like water. This had never happened to him before; he had no idea what to even call it.

_Mother, _he thought wildly, staring at the dusty metal rook he was kneeling on, _Mother - _

Mother was gone.

He swallowed, gulping for air, his heart beginning to pound at the realization. His eyes widened; no, that was wrong, Mother had always been with him, from the start of his existence her voice had been in his head, urging him on. She wouldn't leave him - not now -

But no. The lies were useless; even as he frantically searched his mind and soul, he knew she was no longer with him. Silence thundered in his mind where her voice had always been, his soul ached for the presence that was now gone.

He gasped, his hands forming into fists, trying to summon the rage that had always fueled his soul. Even that seemed to only flicker where once it had roared with power, and he was trembling even more now, nothing felt as it had before, and he hated it. Everything hurt now, he had never been in so much all-consuming pain. He lifted his eyes, looked around, trying to make sense of what was once so perfect and understandable.

Before him stretched the metal roof. Black feathers littered the gritty expanse, mingled here and there with splotches of red blood. And there, not far away, watching him with sword in hand, was -

_Brother._

Kadaj continued panting for air, his eyes widening. Brother - alive, his clothing stained with blood but his head unbowed. Understanding suddenly slammed into Kadaj's spinning mind.

Brother here, and Sephiroth gone. Sephiroth had failed, but he had not stayed to suffer for his defeat. He had fled, and Mother had fled with him, taking everything with her. Sephiroth had failed -

-but he, Kadaj, would be the one to die for it.

He shook his head, wracked with confusion. That couldn't be. He had done everything she had asked of him, _everything, _she wouldn't abandon him now. Sephiroth had lost, had destroyed her hopes of Reunion, yet she had gone with him, giving him her love, her blessing, although he had done nothing to earn it.

And he, who had done nothing but strive to please her every waking moment of his life, would die without her, alone and forgotten. It wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair_ -

He gritted his teeth, an unfamiliar pain clenching in his stomach. He'd never really been afraid before, except for her welfare, and he had never truly feared for that because he had always known he would find her. But now -

- now he was afraid, because it was all over, and he didn't know what to do.

A movement caught his eye, and he jerked his head up. Brother had taken a step towards him, those blue eyes watching his every move, the sword flashing in the dull gray light.

Kadaj took a deep breath, blinking, narrowing his eyes as a searing hatred seized him. Brother. This was all Brother's fault. He had tried to stop them, he had defeated Sephiroth, he had driven Mother away. They had tried to bring him into their fold, but he had refused. He had never loved Mother they way they did, and she was gone now because of it.

With a mighty effort, Kadaj summoned every measure of strength his had left, straining to feel the familiar rage that had brought him through his life to this moment. If he could only feel that, he knew everything would snap right back into place again. He would be strong, just like before, and this time he would defeat Brother. Then Mother would see what a worthy son he was. She'd see how much he loved her, and come back.

His hand tightened around the hilt of his double-bladed katana, and he staggered to his feet, mustering enough strength for a cry of strangled fury. The sword weighed so much now, where before it had been feather-light; that didn't matter, he hoisted it anyway and sprang forward, throwing his entire soul into the effort.

In only two steps, it was over.

There had been enough strength for him to swing the Souba forward. But that had been all, for then everything seemed to fall apart at once. His legs turned to sand, his steps wobbling, the Souba slipped from his fingers to fall clattering to the ground. His cry of rage dissolved into one of surprise as he toppled forward, pushed by the inertia of his stride, and he was falling again, too weak now to brace himself against the hard metal roof that was now rushing towards him.

But the anguish of striking the ground never came.

Arms caught him instead, and Kadaj was too bewildered to even wonder about it, his thoughts racing too fast for him to follow. His strength was utterly gone; he could not struggle to even the slightest degree against the embrace now holding him, and as he felt himself stop moving, dread consumed his thoughts. Brother would surely kill him now. He had failed, and he would never be with Mother.

He would have screamed with grief, if he had only possessed the energy.

The movement had stopped. Kadaj blinked again, surprised to still be alive, and looked up, trying to figure out what was going on. He'd always been the best at that, and although his thoughts were growing increasingly sluggish, they were still clear enough for him to understand.

He wasn't lying on the roof. Brother's arms still cradled his body, and as Kadaj lifted his eyes, he could see Brother's face bending over him, framed by the dull gray sky. Brother didn't look ready to kill him; he didn't even seem angry. Instead, he looked puzzled, and sad.

Kadaj gazed back, meeting Brother's gaze, knowing that he should hate him. He had hated him for so long, Brother had stood against them at every turn. Kadaj should be spitting at him, struggling to escape his grasp. It seemed so strange, to look at Brother and not want to drive Souba through his heart.

But he didn't, Kadaj realized as he looked into Brother's eyes, and he wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was because he still felt some of Mother in Brother's spirit, and that was a comfort to have her close in some way, at the end. Or maybe it was because they were brothers, after all, and even though Brother had been wrong, what was shared between them could never be denied.

Or maybe it was because Kadaj was just so tired. He didn't have the strength to hate anymore.

"Brother," he gasped brokenly. It was so hard just to talk! He felt so useless, so empty, as if everything within his soul had been poured out and washed away. Vainly he sought for something within him that he recognized, but it seemed as if Sephiroth had left him nothing. Only Brother was there to show him kindness now.

Something unfamiliar stirred within Kadaj's spirit, and he frowned a little. He wasn't sure what it was, he had never experienced such a thing before, but he had suddenly felt as if he ought not to have hated Brother quite so much. One more thing he did not understand; he only knew it was true.

And he could do nothing now but wait for the end.

_Kadaj?_

Kadaj blinked, still staring at the leaden sky, which didn't look quite as gray anymore. That hadn't been Brother's voice...

"Uh - ?" he murmured, straining to understand, although thinking was getting harder now.

Suddenly something warm and wet lightly struck his left cheek, and he started a little, surprised. It was quickly followed by another, and looking up he could see several small glittering drops of water falling from the sky, from the clouds surrounding the brilliant patch of golden light. Raining - it was raining...

Kadaj felt fear again; the last time the rain had hurt him, seared his skin and made it smoke. Now it was falling over him again, but this time - this time it didn't hurt, he noted with drowsy amazement. It felt warm, and soothing, as if whatever had made it cause him pain before was gone. Still he didn't understand, but nothing could have mattered to him less; it felt so _good._

_You don't have to hang on any longer._

A woman's voice, and Kadaj felt a new burst of joyful strength shooting through his failing limbs. Mother! She hadn't left him - she had come back -

"Mother," he choked, his gaze fixed on the sky now, which had grown even brighter. The voice had come from there; she was there, inside that light, waiting for him! He strove to lift himself up, he had to reach her, no matter the cost. "Is that...?"

_Everyone's waiting..._

The voice again, and Kadaj now realized that it wasn't Mother. He'd heard her voice in his head his whole life, and she had never sounded so...was there a word for it? This voice wasn't as smooth, or cajoling, or threatening as Mother's. This voice didn't hurt his mind, the way Mother's had sometimes. The words he heard now were - what _were_ they? He couldn't think of any term that sounded right; he only knew he was feeling so much calmer now, and Mother's words had never calmed him. Exactly the opposite, in fact. She wasn't Mother.

He found himself not minding at all.

_...if you're ready._

Kadaj blinked, dropping his eyes from the dazzling brightness above him as he thought. Ready? Was he ready...

Yazoo...Loz...

His breath caught in his throat as he suddenly remembered. He wasn't ready! He couldn't go without his brothers, he had to be with them, and they with him. They'd need him now, now that Mother had gone, who else would watch over them as he had always done? Mother wasn't there to love them anymore, and he didn't want to go and leave them alone, no matter how good he felt. They were bound to each other, eternally -

The voice came again, not from the sky but somewhere within him, directly to his heart.

_They'll be with you, don't worry! _it said, as his fear dwindled completely and vanished. _You'll be together soon, and forever. Be at peace._

Kadaj listened, solemnly pondering the words. Together, soon, forever - and it was true, he knew somehow for an absolute fact that the words were not a lie. His brothers would be with him, and maybe they would know this feeling, too, of calm and no more struggling, a feeling that had no name for him. Perhaps it was what the voice had called peace. He didn't know; he'd never felt it before.

Kadaj nodded to himself, certain now, then lifted his eyes to the sky again, staring at the light.

_I'm ready, _he thought, hoping she heard him. He didn't have the power to speak anymore.

The sky grew brighter, and as Kadaj watched the clouds parted, allowing the sun to break through, although the rain still fell. He gazed into the light; it felt so warm, but there was something else within that radiance as well, he'd felt the sun before and knew this was different. It was. . .was . . .

_There!_

Kadaj's eyes widened as the understanding struck him. It was there! What he had been searching for, fighting for, striving to find until his soul bled from the effort - he had thought he would find it in Mother, but it was _there, _inside that light. Love, and rest, and home - Mother had promised him those things after he had gained her the Reunion, drawn him along until his spirit ached with yearning, but she had lied. She had cared only for herself, and Sephiroth; probably she could never have given him those things to him anyway. But now -

The light grew brighter, and a small, feeble cry of longing escaped his lips as he stared. He had to go there, now, oh, Gaia! His entire being was reaching for that haven, like a plant in shadow straining towards the sun.

He would be complete there, and there was no reason to be afraid.

A form was coming towards him now from within the brilliance, and Kadaj stared at it, fascinated. It looked like a young woman, slender and what the humans would call 'pretty', with brown braided hair and clear green eyes. Kadaj had never seen her before, but he felt his weary spirit leap with elation as she drew closer. Something within him, at least, seemed to know who she was. She was smiling at him, in a way nobody had ever smiled at him before, one delicate hand held out before her in invitation.

His eyes widened, a dazzling knowledge filling his soul. _She_ had been the one who had called to him! And now she had come to bear him home, if only he was ready.

_Yes, please, _thought Kadaj, desperate to reach the sanctuary beyond that glorious light. A tear of joy slipped from his left eye, trailing down the side of his face and into his hair. _Please..._

Then he was reaching, too, lifting his left arm with the last of his strength, resolved to endure any agony to clasp that outstretched hand. But there was no pain now, no fear; the entire world had disappeared, it seemed, except for him, and her, and the light.

She was close now, still smiling at him, her hand outstretched. Kadaj smiled back with the awestruck wonder of a newborn, uttering shapeless murmurs of joy and amazement as he strove to reach her. He knew his life, which had been so brief, was ending, but somehow this didn't feel like an ending at all...

Their hands met, hers sliding into his and grasping it firmly. Even through the tattered leather of his glove, Kadaj could feel how warm and soft her hand was. He curled his fingers around hers as tightly as he could, looking up into her face, bewildered and vastly relieved.

The smile was still on her face, and she looked almost as relieved as he felt.

_Rest now, Kadaj, and don't worry,_ he heard her say in his mind._ It's going to be all right._

Everything went quiet then, and he felt his eyes slip closed, his exhausted body relaxing completely with a sigh. It was all happening very quickly, just like his Reunion with Mother and Sephiroth, but this time there was no agony. As he felt himself being lifted up, a pleasant, drowsy numbness flowed over his entire being, drawing him swiftly and gently into its soothing embrace. As his earthly consciousness faded, Kadaj allowed himself one final thought -

_- fare well, Brother - we'll meet again - _

_- _before nestling down to sleep in that tranquil darkness, and floating away.

_***********_

Thanks for reading! Reviews much appreciated!


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